Money AND depression
In my opinion, depression and money go hand in hand. Money seems to trigger depression, especially where there is a lack of it. And Depression seems to trigger money spending. It’s a bit of a chicken and egg scenario. If you have found yourself on this ferris wheel of feelings and moolah, I hope this post gives you some simple actions to keep your peace.
DISCOVERING MY DEPRESSION
I feel things deeply. Highly Sensitive Person(HSP) right here. Emotions can knock me on my booty. I've been like this my whole life. I can remember moments in every decade that felt heavy and sad, yet…I seemed to be able to pull myself out of the low times and move through them, until recently.
As I’ve navigated divorce, moving, new relationships, entrepreneurship I’ve also been swimming through heavy emotions. Sure, crying on my kitchen floor after divorce actually felt normal. But then it continued and I started to have feelings of hopelessness. Feelings of, “what’s the fucking point of all of this.” It felt scary because those feelings weren’t fleeting. They continued to stay around like that guest who starts to wear out their welcome (you know the one!). I’m grateful I was aware and knew the thoughts I was having weren’t healthy. And I knew I didn’t want to fuck around and find out where thoughts could go.
I needed help
Now, I’m the worst at asking for help. My inner “I can take care of myself’ absolutely robs individuals in my life from doing things for me. I’m getting better, but it is still a struggle.
Seeking help for my mental health beyond my therapist was the hardest. The minute I started to entertain it, all of the thoughts creeped in about how this was a failure. And that was shocking to me. I have no judgment for individuals who take medication for their mental health, and yet - I couldn’t seem to show myself that same grace. I had somehow made the story up in my head that because I was a coach, I should be able to move through this on my own.
The reality: All the tools in my toolbox weren’t working and I was going on 6 months of feeling hopelessness.
It took me over a month from talking to my therapist about potentially going on medication to actually schedule the appointment with a psychiatrist. And the minute I did, I felt relieved. Even with my hesitation of being on medication and the side effects, I felt relief. Like a safety net had just appeared. And that’s when I knew for sure that I had made the right decision.
So how does money fall into this? In so many ways but to cut right to it:
A lot of my depression was triggered because my financial stability disappeared and yet, I needed money to take care of myself to be able to get out of my depression.
That’s an intense merry go round to be on. And I know I’m not the only one.
5 Ways money added to my depression:
Post divorce, I watched my net worth continue to decline as I rebuilt my life and I started to see that my self-worth was still tangled up a bit with the numbers: my credit score, what was in my bank account, my retirement etc.
My business started to shift in early 2022 and my revenue dropped significantly that year. Now, money can’t buy you total happiness, but money does provide us safety and security. This revenue shift started a whole cycle of money worries, lack thinking and financial stress. Every time I thought about it I just got more and more sad and felt more and more like a failure.
Every time I would crunch the numbers of my budget, I would fall deeper into my depression. And although I had been in this place before in my life, this time felt different. I wasn’t a kid out of college. I was a woman in her early 40’s who “had it all” (I mean, that’s what I thought at the time), and was now rebuilding everything. I couldn’t believe how much my living expenses were.
I had to start using my savings to cover the financial gap. Seeing a savings account go down can be really triggering and uncomfortable for a lot of people, but this one was hitting differently. This account was the indicator that I was “safe” and as it started to disappear, I was consumed with more thoughts of failing and a narrative that I would never be back on top. I was losing faith that I could turn it around.
5 Ways my depression impacted my money.
I knew one of the reasons my business was struggling financially was because I wasn’t showing up. And in a coaching business, I’m the product. Although I always felt great once I was in a classroom or on a private call, It took a lot for me to get there and afterwards I’d feel excited for about 30 minutes before my brain went back to reality.
My inner monologue was a barrage of reasons why I was failing and that I was doing something wrong because I was depressed and “why can’t you just get over this already and figure it out”. Jesus take the fucking wheel, ya’ll. Oof. I would convince myself that something wouldn’t sell, wouldn’t work or would fail before I would even start. Which led me to not taking any action.
I no longer had the confidence I used to have in my coaching and in my ability to make money. I used to always say, “I know how to make money” “I can get through anything” and I wasn’t so sure anymore. The depression had unlocked a lot of cruel self-talk that I hadn’t ever experienced before. Sure, I’ve had moments, but historically - I’m a pretty positive person. And those thoughts were so strong I started to really identify with them. Like, I’d feel a moment of happiness and then my brain would say, “remember you’re depressed” and I’d immediately shift into sad panda mode. YA’LL!
My old friend shopping popped back up. I found myself wanting to go buy clothes or new hobby things (You know, like the new snowboard I used once. Ugh. Okay, to be fair, my snowboard WAS 15 years old and I used to go snowboarding weekly). I was desperately seeking reasons as to why I was feeling so depressed and I seemed to focus on the trivial stuff. “My pants don’t fit, new jeans!” “I really need a better skincare routine” “You’ll feel better if you go and get your nails done”. Now listen, those things CAN work but not for me in a deep depression. All it did for me was contribute more to my financial instability and make me upset when it didn’t magically make me feel 100% better.
My therapist and psychiatrist don’t take insurance. This meant paying a hefty amount each month to see them. What a place of privilege. I’m grateful I’ve been able to figure out how to pay for their services because I don’t want to think of where this could have gone.
It’s been hard to separate my money from my depression and I know I’m not alone in that.
If I was a little birdie sitting on the shoulder of someone going through what I’ve been navigating, this is what I’d tell them.
WORDS I NEEDED TO HEAR
You are not a failure for seeking help and utilizing medication to tow you out of this depression
You aren’t broken
You are still whole and valuable regardless of what the numbers say: your net worth, credit score, bank account etc.
It’s brave to keep going
Taking care of yourself IS the most important priority
No one can tell you when you are better, only you can say
So it’s not going the way you planned…that’s okay.
Please look for the tiniest moments of joy and acknowledge them
Do life the way you want to do life. Keeping up with all the “shoulds” is fucking exhausting
You can get through this. It sucks right now and…you can get through this
As a coach, It’s important to me to be able to empathize with my Betties. This is where my HSP comes in handy. And although this period of my life has been the hardest - I am grateful that it has opened my heart to a deeper level. It has cracked my soul open. I know that sounds cheesy, but the reality is: I can only take you as far as I’ve taken myself.
What has become very clear to me is that there’s another level beneath your Money, Time and Energy and it’s what you will have to call upon when you are experiencing a rock bottom.
I’m talking about your soul, your intuition and your magic.
I can see the glimmers and I’m looking forward to the full flown sparkles.
Keep going, Love.
b
